I Want Immediate Results

When I was in high school my father said once (or multiple times) that cross country skiing was "the most aerobic activity you can do," one of his many factoids of unknown veracity that is permanently lodged in my brain. 

Thus, living here in the snowy wasteland, I've always been XC-curious, but never had the gear and always had other recreation interests taking up my attention. Of all the things one can do on a groomed trail, fat biking is the least interesting, while classic skiing looks too akin to flat skinning, which I get my fill of every winter during big GTNP tours. But skate skiing is this fascinating, graceful, fast, hard sport, like running but with enhanced technology and requiring of immaculate form. 

I finally laid hands on a skate set-up this year and realized the Nordic trails in Teton Valley are stellar—there are miles and miles everywhere and although before I had an academic understanding of the value of the local nonprofit grooming organization, now I really get how wonderful it is to have regular, high-quality grooming very close by (including one track within walking distance, one within biking distance, and one accessible by bus—be still my heart). Unlike any other sport I enjoy, I can do this one alone, in repetitive loops, with headphones, for just a sweaty hour, without fear of avalanches or serious injury, and actually feel satisfied in the end. 

But now I have to learn how to do it. 

This has been the first time I've approached a new sport so methodically—I chased others in downhill skiing and backcountry skiing until I got "competent" enough, but I still regret never getting formal lessons, and I started running and riding too young to care, but as a real grown-ass adult I want to get the fundamentals right, especially because in skate skiing technique truly separates the anguished flopping from effortless gliding, and using good form right from the beginning seems really important. I took a free lesson (thanks, work) and want more, I want second-by-second body movement analysis, I want someone to tell me the secret to going really fast.

I have a few moments of deep, angsty frustration every session, but it never feels too distressing. I am an uphill athlete. I really enjoy aerobic activity and when I feel slow I always know I can do better if I try harder. 

Ever since I started mountain biking competitively I surrounded myself with people who valued being rad more than being fit, and it has dogged me ever since, the feeling that I am not rad and the knowledge that I am not the kind of person who can get past my own brain and be rad. I do love going downhill so much in any sport but in the worlds of biking and skiing, competence is inadequate—if you can't fucking send it you're not worth shit. It often frustrates me to tears, wanting so bad to send it and knowing that will never be me. 

On the other hand, I'm pretty dang good at the fitness stuff, even though I haven't tried being race-fit in years. 

I haven't had a breakthrough in skate skiing yet, but I'm so hungry for it. I want to somehow be a natural, be a stellar skier right off the bat. I'm actually using Strava to compare times on the same course on different days, to try and track incremental improvement, which I never do with other sports because it seems irrelevant. And I'm not letting myself fall into the gear nerdery just yet, because I want to get it figured out before I let myself blame my equipment (it's the start-on-a-hardtail rule). 

And then of course I can't resist eyeing the race calendar, but I know right now I can't hang, and I don't like doing races in which I can't hang. I still remember that feeling you get when you're totally blown right from the start line because you go too hard and you have no idea what you're doing. It's not fun. And that's obviously where my already tenuous form would fall completely apart. 

All I want out of racing is to impress people who will say Wow you only learned to skate this winter? You're amazing! I am at my happiest when someone tells me I'm doing a good job. I need constant positive feedback, maybe just to confirm the inner voice that is always saying I'm pretty sure I'm fucking awesome and quiet the other voice that says God why am I so lame. That is not a good enough reason to sign up for a race, so I'm resisting the urge...for now. 

So in other words, I'm obsessed with becoming a good skate skier as soon as possible so I can go really fast and hurt a lot and finish (win) races.  

Pretty sure I'm doing it wrong, but fortunately the photo is too small to confirm.