It’s finally warm here and I’m trying on summer clothes,
jorts and riding shorts, sports bras, bathing suits, and everything is tight,
cutting into the flesh of my back, refusing to slide past my thighs. I jiggle
my arms in the mirror and study the new mottling of cellulite over my ribs. So
this is what it’s like.
I have enough self-confidence to not measure my whole worth
based on my weight, but it stings. After staying the same size for almost a
decade, my body has rebelled in the last six months.
Why? My metabolism is probably slowing down—that’s a thing,
right? My mom always said it happened at 25 so I figured I had dodged that
bullet until now.
I’m always more sedentary in winter than summer, but I’m
sure it didn’t help that winter started in September last year. And I was doing
home renovations. Now I can finally get back to long runs and hard rides, my
lifeblood and the outlet for all those accumulated calories.
And then there was the pregnancy, I guess. I hate to blame
that brief and dangerous incident, an ectopic emergency that I finally went to
the ER for after waiting way too long. My stomach is sloppier now and twin
scars mark the spots where my pelvic bones used to show under my skin, before
the surgeon made little incisions to send a scope through my abdominal muscles and
scrape out my uterus.
I still feel pretty sometimes and athletic usually. And
every time I try to mentally work through how to lose the weight, I realize
that’s not really my style. I hate the thought of going to any kind of exercise
class or doing joyless workouts in the quest for self-improvement, instead of
exercising because it satisfies and sustains me. I already have healthy eating
habits. I always eat breakfast, I cook veggie-heavy meals most nights, I don’t
drink soda or eat salad dressing or any of the other high-fructose Trojan
horses. The unhealthy decisions I make—candy binges and two or three or five
beers a night—are consciously made and improve my quality of life.
So I guess, since I don’t want to change anything, I’m stuck
with weight gain. And have to find new clothes. Or just run and ride farther
and faster this summer to escape the pounds. That sounds like more fun anyway.
